Welp, I had a bingefest at work this morning. The drug reps brought in a bunch of keto-friendly things, such as pans of bacon, eggs and sausage patties in addition to the fruit and home fries, and I binged on sausage. I attempted to estimate what I ate, and I logged it into MyPlate, and I’ve got my daily calories already. What’s more, I feel sick to my stomach, both physically from eating 8 goddamn sausage patties, and emotionally-mentally from the self-loathing which swamps me after a binge.
Would you look at all that goddamn food?!
Ok *sigh* constructively, I’ll just look at this as a weird intermittent fast. I’ve got my caloric goal for the day and start anew tomorrow.
Now as for the other aspect, I have to look into why I binged. Well, first and most importantly, I’m worried about my older daughter. Earlier this year, she revealed that she’s been cutting herself. She also recently took herself off her antidepressants without consulting me. She did it because she didn’t feel that they’re working. I understand about that, I am just concerned that she undertook it without talking to me first.
Good news though, she is going to her therapist appointments regularly as we wait for an appointment with a pediatric psychiatrist. That could take some time though, so in the interim, my normal level of worry (because once you’re a mom, there is always going to be an undercurrent of worry) has threatened to engulf me.
This morning on the way to school she said that she’d probably go home early because she wasn’t feeling well, and immediately I got to fretting that if I left her home alone, she might hurt herself. She assured me that she wouldn’t, but I’m still a mess. She hasn’t answered my last few texts which has got my level up to borderline Frantic.
And that’s just Kid#1. I worry about Kid#2, plus there the whole clusterfuck of my own issues swirling in the mix.
So I scarfed 8 sausages this morning. When I was eating them, I felt that temporary rush of feel-good hormones. Blech. I feel disgusting and hopeless.
I’ve decided that I need to restart my gym membership because I need to get back to daily cardio for the mood benefits and also as an outlet for my stress.
I need it for my sanity. 😢