How I’m Finding Myself by Losing (some of) Myself

At the close of 2013, I made myself the same promise I make at the end of each year that “next year, it’ll all be different!”

I came close last year – I re-entered the dating world and I finished the first step in schooling for a new career in nursing. Now although the dating was an abject nightmare of dealing with men who are only out for a piece of ass versus an actual relationship, I finished out my program as valedictorian of my class. Things can turn around for me there at least.

Unfortunately, the sad reality of the dating world is that looks matter. Although I’ve been told that I have a “pretty face,” – some people even going so far as to say that I’m “gorgeous” – my being overweight is a turnoff for lots of men despite their own level of fitness. Even the most overweight guy may be deluded into believing that he “deserves” a “10.” I know that once I drop the weight, I’ll be more likely to meet a wider range  of people, and with luck, finally find someone with whom there is true compatibility across multiple levels.

My weight isn’t the real source of my unhappiness, although it contributes to it inasmuch as the lack of a romantic relationship goes.

My real problem is isolation and loneliness. The majority of my friends are scattered about, and our only means of contact is Facebook and email. I love my friends and their support has been invaluable, but I miss having a core group of friends in my area code with whom I can go out and do things. The few times I have made a good friend in the area, circumstances prevailed to remove them from me, whether it was when my ex-husband got “custody” of them when we split, or because they ended up moving out of state.

Gradually, I grew depressed and demoralized and stopped seeking out opportunities to meet new people, opting instead to stay at home and crawl under blankets. Part of the reason I stopped going out to events and groups is that as I gained weight, I grew more self-conscious. And thus the death spiral continued to feed on itself.

I’ve already done a lot of work on the inner me by taking an honest look  at past relationships and examining my role in them and in their end. I have no desire to repeat mistakes, and to that end, I am well-armed with self-knowledge that will help me going forward into a new relationship.

Next up is the work on the outer me. My goal is to get back down to a weight between 110 and 120 and then maintain it. I know already that the greatest  obstacle is going to be dealing with stress and crises without running to carb-heavy comfort foods. Perhaps substituting comfort foods with a healthy action like exercise or even meditation would be the right answer for me. We’ll see.

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