Happy New Year

I’m back. In brief, I fell off the wagon big-time, and learned, unequivocally, that I just cannot consume carbs as a regular, routine part of my diet. My GERD gets crazy, I feel foggy-headed and tired, plus my  mood swings are insane. Also, my eating disorder still has its claws in me. I need to get back working on strategies for coping with stress other than bread. I’ve gained 20 pounds TWENTY-FUCKING-POUNDS since my last weigh-in.

All that’s past. I’m not going to berate myself. I’m taking what I’ve learned and moving forward. Prepping meals, weighing and logging everything helps maintain control when I feel OUT of control.

Yesterday’s meals:

Broccoli and Cheddar Soup for lunch

 

broccoli-cheddar-soup

 

And Chicken and Broccoli Alfredo Spaghetti Squash for supper.

 

chicken-and-broccoli-alfredo-spaghetti-squash

 

I’m going to be bringing my lunch every day. Now that we have a new year, the drug reps’ budgets are fat again, and soon we’ll have breakfast and lunch brought in every day. The good news is that I’ve moved to a nurse station far away from the break room, so I won’t be smelling the food all the time. No temptation.

Today’s lunch will be my favorite variant of meat-n-greens: Spicy Beef and Kale.

spicy beef and greens

Working Out

I’ve put off the next weigh-in until next Monday, 5/16. We’ll see where I am then, and again, no judgments, no wallowing in self-loathing, just acceptance and planning on how to do better. To this end, I’ve decided that I need to add exercise as a help for my mood to combat the binging.

I’ve signed up for this 30-Day Bodyweight Challenge from Betty Rocker. It should begin tomorrow. A quick scan of the internet found this video as an excerpt of the 30-day plan:

 

In addition to that 30-day series of 15-minute bodyweight exercises, I think that I need to join a gym again. I’m thinking of reactivating my membership to Plant Fitness, because their hours are simply the best. I’d get up at 3:30 AM, be there at 4:00 AM, and I’d be back home around 5:00 AM to begin my normal routine of shower, change, breakfast and COFFEE. There is nothing like that feeling of finishing a good hard 45 minutes on the elliptical. I walk out, feeling euphoric. I need that.

In other news, I rejoined a dating site. Scary, but exciting. I need to get back out there. Sometimes I think, maybe I should wait until I’ve got things more together/ after RN school/after I reach my goal weight etc, but then I realized I’m just putting it off needlessly. Why should I defer my chances of meeting someone until some theoretical time in the future which might not come?!

Carpe diem.

Binge

Welp, I had a bingefest at work this morning. The drug reps brought in a bunch of keto-friendly things, such as pans of bacon, eggs and sausage patties in addition to the fruit and home fries, and I binged on sausage. I attempted to estimate what I ate, and I logged it into MyPlate, and I’ve got my daily calories already. What’s more, I feel sick to my stomach, both physically from eating 8 goddamn sausage patties, and emotionally-mentally from the self-loathing Continue reading Binge

Frustrated

When I got on the scale this morning, I was up a half pound from yesterday. I didn’t log everything into my food tracker, and as such, ate “off menu” in the afternoon and evening. My estimated total daily cals yesterday was way over where it should be, and my carbs were too high – I can feel the squishy water weight around my waist like Satan’s inner tube.

1,663 calories?! Sonofabitch.

food log 5 2 16

Continue reading Frustrated

On Water Weight and Introspection

Well, the Fat Fast was a horrible idea. Although the Bulleproof Coffee kept me pretty sated until lunch, my small portion of lunch wasn’t enough to keep my satisfied for long, so I was ravenous by dinnertime. On the second day, all I could think about was MEAT! Also, I woke both nights, quite hungry and had a snack, which I never do. The only times in my life that I woke for a midnight snack was when I was pregnant. So, yeah, I scrapped it. Since then, I’ve overeaten my carbs and my calories, so I am actually UP two pounds.

FUCK. Continue reading On Water Weight and Introspection

Hangry

Friday was a very long, very trying day at work. At the basic level, I successfully navigated the pitfalls of both catered meals in the lunchroom right by my desk. I remained strong, eating my carefully weighed and measured, tasty and keto-sanctioned lunch, and kept huger at bay with many tall glasses  of water and a large hot green tea.

In that respect, everything went well.

But it had been a busy day, we were short-staffed of nurses, so in addition to doing our tasks for our own providers, we all had to pitch in covering the nurse visits for blood draws and injections, as well as managing the script requests that had been phoned in. I checked the script line right before punching out for lunch to find that no one had checked it all  morning. A little aggravating, but I knew everyone was scrambling, so I plowed through them and then went to lunch.

As I was wrapping up for the day, at 5 minutes to 5:00, I thought to myself, “Let me check the script line,” which I did.

GODDAMNIT. Continue reading Hangry

Carb Addict

Well, I now know unequivocally, that I really cannot allow many carbs – or at least I need to find a stronger means of dealing with stress than emotional eating. When I turn to carb-heavy comfort foods, I over-indulge. Period.

It feels as though I am driven to do so, even if I am full. It’s as though there is a void that I want, no, need, to fill as soon as possible.

What’s worse is that not long after eating a carb-intense, gut-busting meal, I crave more carbs.

Since last August, I’ve gained back 32 pounds. Ugh. I’m disgusted with myself.

No more. Continue reading Carb Addict

Steady On

weight graph 8 1 14

 

It’s been two weeks since I delved into Onederland, and now I’m six more pounds into it; and now at a weight I haven’t seen since 2008.

More than that, I’ve had some serious stressors which would normally have me running to some delicious carbs for a magic bout of comfort eating, and I have held strong and have not turned to food for comfort,

Also, I’ve been increasing my cardio to 51 minutes, and trying to get to the gym at least 3 times a week, but I’ve also been battling fatigue. Sometimes I only make it there twice a week because I’m so bonked. I’ve been supplementing with magnesium and potassium and drinking chicken bouillon on the really bad days. That’s a trick I learned way back in 1989 when i first wen to a diet clinic and was put on the early version of an Atkins-type low-carb diet for weight loss. I was drinking a lot of water daily, which in addition to keto’s diuretic effects, sometimes had my electrolytes off balance. A cup of bouillon helped perk me right up more often than not.

Anyway, my clothes are looser, I feel lighter, and people have commented that they have noticed a difference. Keep calm, and keto on!